Monday, January 25, 2010



Have you ever met someone who can't be alone? They always have to be dating someone? They never can go without a boyfriend or girlfriend? They always have to be in a relationship? Maybe you saw people like this in jr high or high school? Maybe college or even in the adult workplace. Maybe you are like this?

Unfortunately, people like this don't just exist when they are teenagers, it carries into adult life.

Why? Are they insecure? lonely? selfish? co-dependant? I don't really know the reasons, but never quite understood people who can't seem to handle being alone.

First, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Secondly, if we find our self worth or self value in a relationship with some other person, we must have issues with self. There is a major issue, if you cannot be alone. If you have to constantly have companionship or be with someone in a dating, casual, or even serious relationship, you are just continuing a cycle of broken relationships. People like this are simply using other people. It may not seem like it, you may think you like the person, or enjoy being with them, or even love them, but it's only temporary, because once the newness wears off, once things become comfortable, the void is still there. Having a person in your life is not the answer, they cannot fill the void that you are missing. That is why the relationship always ends and many times, not in a good way. And they move on to the next person immediately, not dealing with their feelings, and continue the endless cycle of hurt.

A person who always has to "have someone" can't keep a long-term relationship because they are trying to fill a void, or fix a problem in their lives with a relationship. They become frustrated and usually sabotage the relationship in time because this "person" is not completing them like they thought. So they move on to the next hoping it will be "the one" not realizing they are leaving a path of destruction and they don't care who they hurt, because they are just focused on what they think they need. Some people are decent people, they are just confused.

Until a person can learn to be ok alone and not put their worth in another person, they are never going to be happy in any relationship. Until most people realize that God created us for relationships, but He did not create us to use relationships as the answer to everything, we are going to have broken relationships, broken hearts, and hurt. God created us to have a relationship him. If we do not have that relationship with God, we are always going to feel a void or something missing in our lives.

We also have to figure out why we feel we "have to" have someone in our lives constantly. Is it because I am insecure? Is it because I feel lonely? Is it because I am selfish and want to use people? Is it because I have mommy/daddy issues? People are this way for different reasons and getting to the root of the problem is the beginning. Once you figure out why are you using people and can't be alone and always have to date or be in a relationship, you can begin the road to recovery and take w/ever steps you can to fix the issue so you can be ok alone and eventually learn to have a healthy relationship with someone not because you have to have a relationship but because you want one for the right reasons in the right way.

It begins and ends with God. He is the example of what a healthy relationship should look like and in all my years of being single and dating, it took me a long time to realize when I have God, He is all I truly need. I also learned I am not going to be happy in any relationship until I learn to be alone and I learn to be happy with self and I learn to develop a healthy relationship with my creator. I do not need to be with someone to be somebody or be happy or feel complete.

I hope and pray if you are one reading this today that is constantly hopping from one relationship to another, or if you find yourself always wanting to be with someone cause you "can't handle" being alone, that you'll get help or realize you need help or need to make some changes. Also realize you are hurting yourself and so many other people with your actions. But there is hope, you can change!

Remember God is with you Always! You need Him first and foremost. You also need to work on whatever issues you have so that you are happy and healthy with self before you enter into a dating or marriage relationship with someone else, or you are just going to use and damage them. We also need to learn to beware of people like this who come into our lives and avoid getting in a relationship with someone who always seems to have to be with someone. They are using us, whether they realize it or not. We can also strive to help our friends and family we know struggle with this issue and encourage them to seek God, pray for them, and encourage them to focus on their friendships. People will never be happy, content, or have lasting relationships until they learn to be alone.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b(NIV)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Selective Integrity?

Selective Integrity

"The man on integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out."
Proverbs 10:9(NIV)

I've shared the story before in a sermon about a guy who a few years ago went through the drive-thru at KFC with his girlfriend and ordered a bucket of chicken. An employee accidently grabbed a bucket that had the night deposit in it filled with several thousand dollars and handed it out the window to the man. After leaving the man opened up the bucket of chicken to find the money instead. He returned to the store and gave the money back.

The manager was elated, the man could have drove away and gotten away with all that money, but he chose be honest and return with the cash. The manager wanted to call the newspapers and tv stations to do a story on the man's honesty, but he refused do you know why? He did not want his wife to find out because he was married and the woman with him, his girlfriend was not his wife.

How can a man be so honest in one area of his life and return money he could have gotten by with keeping, yet be so dishonest and cheat on his wife with another woman? It makes no sense, but people including me do that all the time in our lives. We pick and choose areas we want to be honest and areas we don't. We pick and choose areas we want to give to God and areas we want to control ourselves.

A man can preach the truth and not tell it. Someone serve as a leader and role model in church, yet be a negative harsh supervisor at work. A woman can sing in the choir or worship team and have a voice that praises God, yet away from church she verbally abuses her husband and children. Parents can teach their kids to be honest and tell the truth, yet they cheat on their taxes or lie about their kids ages when they take them to the movies. Someone can spread gossip and rumors about someone and they turn around and serve the hurting at a homeless shelter or nursing home.

I am not sure why we are this way, but we can be so excellent in some areas of our lives in serving, teaching, giving, and helping others, and then at the same time, we can lie, scheme, gossip, slander, have a negative attitdue, or rebel against what we know is the right thing to do.

I for one don't believe you can pick and choose when to have integrity you either have it or you don't, but I do think some people are honest about their weaknesses, faults, and struggles, and others are in denial or think they are bigger than the truth or the rules don't apply to them.

We all sin, we all fall short, none of us are perfect, but you have to decide whether you are going to be a person of integrity who admits when fail, sin, fall short, make poor choices, wrong decisions, use bad judgement, or just plain mess up. Instead we want to deny, justify, blame shift, and make excuses. It's time we have integrity and learn from our mistakes, accept ownership, make ammends, and live with the consequences. If not, we will continue to have selective integrity, which is really no integrity it all,because you either have it or you don't.

There have been times I haven't had it, I want to have it and live it all the time. How about you?

Monday, January 11, 2010



Do you ever ask Why? Why seems to be something we all want to know sometimes. Why does bad things happen? Why do bad people seem to get away with things and good people seem to suffer unjustly? Why do babies have to die or innocent people get killed by drunk drivers?

Maybe it's a little more personal for you. Why did I marry this person? Why did I have to take this job? Why did I move? Why did that relationship go so wrong? Why did I make such a horrible mistake? Why am I dishonest? Why did I hurt them? Why can't I change?

I think asking questions is a good thing. I think if you are asking questions, it means you are thinking and thinking it always a good thing. Especially when it comes to God. God is God, He can handle any question you throw at Him. No question is too big for God. The problem is we may not like the answer, or may not want to wait on the answer. Or better yet, we may never know the answer and have to learn to trust His wisdom and give Him control.

I've been asking alot of questions of God the past year. I'm trying to understand some things in my life and some people who have been in my life. Truth is, I may never understand why things happend the way they did, why people act the way they do, or why I handle things the way I did.

But, I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to mature. I want to learn lessons. I want to grow in my faith. I want to mature into the person God wants me to become. Therefore, I will continue to ask questions and seek the truth.

I do know that if you look to God's Word, talk to God on a regular basis, and are open to listening to Him and being guided by Him, we may get some answers. Though on this side of heaven we may not know why baby's are stillborn, why someone got cancer, or why someone is abusive, we can maybe learn to trust God a little more. Maybe we learn patience? endurance? perseverance? Trust? Giving up control? Maybe we learn coping skills or lessons we can use to help others who will be going through the same things we are now? Maybe God is trying to help us through our mistakes, pain, and issues so that we can better serve Him? I don't know, but I'm going to keep asking questions, because I know God has the answers.

"What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Psalm 8:4 (NIV)

Tuesday, January 05, 2010



When I was a kid, 2010 sounded so far away and I figured we'd have flying cars by now or something. Anyway, 2010 is here now and i'm closer to 40 than 30 and i don't own a flying car, but one that looks like box, go figure.

I will admit 2009 wasn't a great year for me. Though I had some successes in youth ministry and finished up 2009 good in my personal life, 2009 was a rough year professionally and personally. I for one as glad 2010 is here and am ready for a new start.

I guess there is nothing special about a new year, it's just like any other day, but a new year does signify for many of us a time of newness. Though, we don't get do-overs or repeats in life, we are able to have new beginnings or new starts and to move on past the past.

Maybe 2009 was a great year for you and you'll continue to find happiness and success in 2010 or maybe 2009 wasn't a good year for you either, maybe you faced divorce, a break-up, a broken friendship, a job loss, a financial setback, issues with your children or parents, or maybe a physical illness? I pray that 2010 will bring new perspective, a deeper faith, a stronger resolve, or maybe better relationships, healthier choices, or more truth and trust in your life.

Maybe you need to right some wrongs or maybe you need to ask for forgiveness or rebuild some trust. Maybe you need to find a new job or career or save some money or pay off some debt? Maybe you need to find a new church, or make move? Whatever it is, I pray that you will let God guide you and that you see the need to be on the path He has chosen for you.

My 2010 is starting with a great dating relationship, a move back to WV, and a new job, and many unknowns, but I am excited about the future and what God has in store with me. I pray I can be faithful, patient, and optimistic of what God will do for me, through me, and give me in 2010. I pray the same for you. I want to learn from my mistakes, experiences, and problems in 2009, but I don't want to stay there. I want to make changes, accept what I cannot change, and have wisdom to know the difference.
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:15-16(NIV)